"It's So Hard To Say Goodbye...."

..... To your momma! My mom visited from North Carolina this past weekend for my birthday. She spent 4 days with us and they were 4 of the best days I've had in a long time! She and I went to Prairie Meadows to play her favorite penny slots, we didn't win, but didn't lose much either. I just love watching how excited she gets over those loud clinking machines. We watched a couple movies, ate a TON and of course did plenty of shopping. I could never get sick of spending time with my mom. She's the type of mom who was always more like a friend than "one of those moms." She is definitely one of my most favorite people.

So of course Kara got her fill of grandma while she was here. And now that Kara is beginning to speak more words I thought it was proper to give my mom her own "name" to Kara, so we decided on "Nana." Figuring that might be easy enough for Kara to catch on to. I have a problem with calling both sets of grandmothers the same name, especially when one of them in particular reigns on a much higher level of true "grandmother-hood." Kara was nothing short of spoiled over the weekend. She scored some new books, new clothes and plenty of yummy treats, one in particular being our families special waffle recipes.... mmmmmmm good!

Needless to say, it was a painful goodbye today. Kara doesn't quite understand the importance of it all yet. But it just rips my heart out to know that she will not get to experience that special bond with a grandparent in her everyday life. Harder because there are grandparents that live one town over and they barely bother to see her. (But thats a whole other post!)
Rather, these special times will be few and far between. But at least she will experience it I suppose.

Anyway, here is a picture of Kara and Nana saying goodbye to each other, and another of the 3 of us. (Or at least most of us!)

Valentines Tradition

This post may be a little late, but better late than never right? I've decided to make it a yearly tradition now to take a picture of Kara with candy every year at Valentines time. Her first Valentines day I took a picture of her in her high chair with a bag of (unopened) Hershey's Kisses. (She was only 5 months at the time!). This year, I decided to be a little more brave and give her a big heart shaped sucker. She absolutely LOVED it! I am going to take pictures to document each year. I can not believe how much she changed in just a year! It is bittersweet. I love watching her grow, but when I look back at what she was like just a year ago it makes me want to just hold that little baby in my arms again!!! aahhhhhhhhh......... motherhood!

The Nightmare of the Mall Play Center

Ok, so you are probably thinking that I am going to complain about the big kids that are too old to be in the play centers at the malls, trampling over the little kids innocently playing.... right?
But no, I am going to tell you about a very scary incident that shows what happens to those kids whose parents are NOT watching them. Hopefully anyone who witnessed this will keep a better eye on THEIR children next time they are at one of these places.

So, its Friday night and my cousin Anne and I decide to take the little ones to the mall for some supper and a little play time. We get to the play center and its ca-ray-zee as usual. But what else is new right? So we decide to let them play for a little bit anyway. I watched as Kara was pushed out of the way several times trying to get down the slide. I observed as these two bigger girls continued to run in front of her and rough house around. I watched one of their moms text away on her cell phone and the other mother was outside of the play center watching for a little bit then doing who knows what. The father of one of the girls sat there and watched his younger child. After a couple minutes I decided I'd let Kara play with the "sicky germs" long enough. I picked her up and headed over to Anne. Anne then tells me about this creepy guy in a leather coat and no teeth who had been sitting in the play area just watching the kids. She wondered which kid was his and then got totally freaked out when he stood up and just walked away, no child in tow. At that moment we looked at each other and decided it was time to leave. Not even 2 minutes later as we are strapping the wee ones in their strollers we hear a mothers desperate cry out to her daughter. "Katelyn? Katelyn!!!??" And then the other mother is calling out for her daughter too. They were gone. The father is explaining what his daughter was wearing to one of the mall employees. And in a matter of seconds people are gathered around searching for these 2 girls. Anne and I immediately looked for the creepy guy. We spotted him in the record store across the hall, by himself, lucky for him. Where did these kids go?

Of course, like any good mother would do for another mom we began walking around helping them find their children. One mom kept calling her daughters name out, fighting back the tears, she looked like she was about to collapse to the floor in disbeleif. The other mom clutched her baby in the middle of the mall, in tears, holding her face as if she might throw up all over the place. The father paced the mall. At that time I had this awful pit in my stomach, goosebumps up and down my body and I began to shake. I could not imagine the fear these mothers must be feeling.

Anne and I headed down to the center of the mall where we spotted the father with his daughter, he found her, but where was the othe girl? We followed him and asked where he found her, she was in the shoe store. Sure enough the other girl was there too. I raced back to the other end to let her mom know, she ran faster than a marathon runner to reunite with her daughter as other curious mall goers stared in confusion. And that was that, they found their children. This time.

It amazes me how quickly they disappeared like that. And gives me extremely creepy and eery feelings to think how they could have been taken by some freaky guy scoping out the kids innocently playing. This world is a scary place, and you just can't afford to take your eye off of your children for one second, not even one second. Anne made herself feel better about being an overprotective and "hovering mother" as her husband calls her! I think I will become even more of one now!

I did walk past both of the moms on my way out of the mall, both looked at me and waved with a look of pure gratitude for helping them, one even whispered "thank you." I felt their horror, their pain, I couldn't imagine what that must feel like to wonder if you were ever going to see your child again. It was like out of a freaky movie or something. But thank God it had a happy ending. And maybe if everyone with a child could experience something like this, there wouldn't be any more of those "big kids with no parents watching them" left alone in the mall play centers.

Taking Care of Business...

Well, I finally did it. I went to the eye doctor after several years of procrastinating. I used to feel so happy to have 20/20 vision when I was younger, and then as I've gotten older my eyesight has slowly begun to get a little blurry. At first I blamed it on pregnancy, but then when it didn't get any better I knew I had to do something about it.
You see, I had 2 New Years resolutions this year. One was to get the eyes taken care of, and the other was to get up my nerve and go to a chiropractor for this chronic pinching pain I've had in my upper shoulder for years. These were just little things that I put off and put off, but I've always told my mother she needed to take better care of herself, so I figured I better hold true to my words and do the same for myself as a mom. I knew I didn't have the drive to stick with a resolution such as "eating better" or "working out 5 days a week", so I picked these 2 things that I could get done and then just be done with. (Or so I thought!) ;)
So, I got over my fear of being "cracked" and got on the table and put my back into place. It felt wonderful and I definitely plan to continue this process as long as it takes to get me all lined up. And maybe this one resolution will take more than just one try, but that's ok.
Then, when I went to the eye care center and put on my new "eyes" for the first time I could hardly believe it! Was this what it was supposed to look like to be able to see edges in objects, and read the words on a glass door, and even better, be able to read the exit signs on the highway?! Yes, yes it was, and it was nice.

Now maybe my "squinting lines" will go away.... Hey, a girl can wish right? :)

Death and Grieving

I knew it was bad when her usually low key voice was leaving a frantic message on my phone to pick up if I was there, it was important. Your cousin Peter is dead. What?! I know I shouldn't have been that surprised, he has been addicted to hard core drugs for many years now and really has nothing to do with the family. But it is still a shock the moment you hear that a loved one has passed away. I'm hurting badly inside, not because I was close to him and I've lost an important person in my life, but more so I'm hurting and grieving for the people who are mourning his loss. His mother (my aunt), has lost her only child. I'm sure to many other people, he was just some junkie on the streets, who cares, he deserved it right? I'm guilty of that mindset myself sometimes towards people who do bad things that I have no attachment or connection to, you kind of wish something bad would happen to them, as a "pay back" for what they've done wrong. But this experience may very well change my mindset on that forever.

He was helping his ex-girlfriends parents by moving their furniture on a U-haul to Tennessee. They gave him $9,000 to pay for the truck, gas, and all other expenses. When the cops found him on the side of the road with the u-haul in the ditch they took him to jail because he was intoxicated. They also found drug paraphernalia in the truck and assumed all the money was due to some drug handling he just did. He was found dead in his jail cell several days later. The case is under investigation pending autopsy results. They told his mother he "spazzed out and died." Maybe nobody will ever know what really happened, maybe he was having withdrawals and started freaking out and one of the cops on duty was in a bad mood and decided to take it out on this junkie freaking out over there. Who knows, the real point is, is that a mother has to bury her child. Thats not the way life is supposed to happen.

I know she's hurting wondering where she went wrong, what did she do to make him grow up like that? Why did she always wish he would just leave her alone. I know my grandfather who helped raise him as a little boy is hurting too. He's already had to bury a child of his own, and now a grandchild? How much more can an 86 year old man take? In his mind he wasn't strict enough with him, he failed in his upbringing too. And then there's my mom, a soul of a saint, blaming herself because when we moved out of state when he was 14 years old, thats when things started going downhill. Why didn't she just take him in when he begged her too?

I suppose guilt is a normal part of any greiving proceess. And I suppose greiving for a loved one over their loss is normal too. I just wish I could take away all of their pain. It wasn't their fault.

Death also makes you question your Christian beleifs. I grew up Catholic and was taught that there is a Heaven and Hell. I know according to the Bible and the 10 commandments my cousin had committed enough sins that he wouldn't go to Heaven. But something inside me needs to question that theory. Wouldn't our deceased grandmother who loved him more than anything else in the world be there to welcome him into God's world? I couldn't see her not being there.

Death and greiving are definitely a hard thing to go through. I know things will eventually calm down and go back to "normal," but at the current time it just feels so overwhelming, like there is nothing you can do to ease the pain.

I do know this though. If there was one positive thing he did in this world, it was make an impact on me and my sister at a very young age. At my grandmothers funeral almost 18 years ago, my sister and I went for a walk with our cousin. He was a mere 22 years old then, and the effects of the heroine, cocaine etc were clearly plastered accross his skin. The red sores, the completely grey hair, rotting teeth. This once beautiful little boy who we used to play in the backyard swimming pool with and go on family camping trips and trips to the zoo with us, was now totally overtaken by the horrible effects of addiction. We went on a walk that day and he told us, if there is ONE thing I can tell you that would make an impact on your life, it would be to NEVER do drugs. They will ruin your life. I was only 11 years old, and looking at him like that and then hearing him say that was more than enough to make me NEVER touch a drug. And even if that was the only good thing he ever did (which I know it wasn't), I would say that was good enough.

I know he will rest in peace. And I just hope for his mothers sake, and the rest of the family, that they can all find peace in their hearts. Especially my Aunt, maybe she will eventually be able to feel what its like to be happy and free.

What Am I?

Lately its come to my attention that no matter how hard you try, you just can't make somebody love you.
Ok, so its not that serious, but I'm learning that everything you do as a mother is done in vain. Lately, all Kara says to me is "da-da?" "da-da bye bye?" "da-da night night?" Pretty much yelling out to me "Where's my daddy!??" And its not like she doesn't see him every night when he gets home! But even spending all afternoon with me seems to drive her nutso! And God forbid he go out for a night! Like last night, daddy went ice fishing, and from the minute he left to the hour she fell asleep thats all she asked for. Even as I nursed her teething cries for 2 hours straight after putting her to bed, she kept asking for da-da. Umm... HELLO... am I not the one who feeds you wholesome meals, and changes your dirty diapers and clothes you and spoils you with toys?! But like I said, its all in vain! I suppose she's just getting me ready for the even harder stuff to come in the coming years like "mom go to hell!!" in those angry teenage fits of rage.
However, who am I kidding? I did the same thing as a child. My mother was the constant force in our lives, practically doing everything in the house as we grew up, but yet who did we constantly vie for attention from? Dad. I suppose its a normal thing, especially for little girls and their dads.
But thats ok, she can throw sippy cups at me and stab me in the heart with her plastic fork and I'll still love her, through and through!

Ummm... Sorry?

Yeah, so its been a while, woops. Can I blame it on the Holiday chaos?
Well, anyway, needless to say, its been busy in our household lately! We are getting ready for Christmas and it just seems like its coming faster this year! We leave for NC in less than 3 weeks! We are spending Christmas with my family back in North Carolina this year! We try to swith off every other year, last year we waited until January. I have to say, I am a bit nervous flying right at Christmas with a very active 15 mos old!
And yes, I mean ACTIVE! Kara is now walking, or shall I say running everywhere. It happened right after Halloween, the first week of November. Its like my little baby is not a baby anymore. She gave up the bottle completely about a month ago and right at that time began walking and her vocabulary is growing larger every day.
Its so funny because this time last year she was just this little lump that laid around and would be content wherever you put her. And now, now you can't even look at her wrong and she freaks out! Yes, I'm talking about you Santa!!


The Christmas card picture was a hard one to come by this year. Not only will she not sit still but she doesn't smile very easily on demand, especially not for SANTA!!
Thanksgiving was great, having 4 days off in a row was magnificent! The turkey dinner was only a precursor to all the food I am going to eat again in a couple weeks! And.... my husband was actually sweet enough, and brave enough to go to the Midnight shopping with me this year!
We had our very first night to ourselves (no child to come home to) for the first time in 15 mos, and yes, that is what we did, we went shopping until 1:30 am!
So yeah, things have been pretty busy here. But what else is new right?
Once again, sorry its been so long, and I'll try to update more often!
Peace Love and Happiness to all!