Taking Care of Business...

Well, I finally did it. I went to the eye doctor after several years of procrastinating. I used to feel so happy to have 20/20 vision when I was younger, and then as I've gotten older my eyesight has slowly begun to get a little blurry. At first I blamed it on pregnancy, but then when it didn't get any better I knew I had to do something about it.
You see, I had 2 New Years resolutions this year. One was to get the eyes taken care of, and the other was to get up my nerve and go to a chiropractor for this chronic pinching pain I've had in my upper shoulder for years. These were just little things that I put off and put off, but I've always told my mother she needed to take better care of herself, so I figured I better hold true to my words and do the same for myself as a mom. I knew I didn't have the drive to stick with a resolution such as "eating better" or "working out 5 days a week", so I picked these 2 things that I could get done and then just be done with. (Or so I thought!) ;)
So, I got over my fear of being "cracked" and got on the table and put my back into place. It felt wonderful and I definitely plan to continue this process as long as it takes to get me all lined up. And maybe this one resolution will take more than just one try, but that's ok.
Then, when I went to the eye care center and put on my new "eyes" for the first time I could hardly believe it! Was this what it was supposed to look like to be able to see edges in objects, and read the words on a glass door, and even better, be able to read the exit signs on the highway?! Yes, yes it was, and it was nice.

Now maybe my "squinting lines" will go away.... Hey, a girl can wish right? :)

Death and Grieving

I knew it was bad when her usually low key voice was leaving a frantic message on my phone to pick up if I was there, it was important. Your cousin Peter is dead. What?! I know I shouldn't have been that surprised, he has been addicted to hard core drugs for many years now and really has nothing to do with the family. But it is still a shock the moment you hear that a loved one has passed away. I'm hurting badly inside, not because I was close to him and I've lost an important person in my life, but more so I'm hurting and grieving for the people who are mourning his loss. His mother (my aunt), has lost her only child. I'm sure to many other people, he was just some junkie on the streets, who cares, he deserved it right? I'm guilty of that mindset myself sometimes towards people who do bad things that I have no attachment or connection to, you kind of wish something bad would happen to them, as a "pay back" for what they've done wrong. But this experience may very well change my mindset on that forever.

He was helping his ex-girlfriends parents by moving their furniture on a U-haul to Tennessee. They gave him $9,000 to pay for the truck, gas, and all other expenses. When the cops found him on the side of the road with the u-haul in the ditch they took him to jail because he was intoxicated. They also found drug paraphernalia in the truck and assumed all the money was due to some drug handling he just did. He was found dead in his jail cell several days later. The case is under investigation pending autopsy results. They told his mother he "spazzed out and died." Maybe nobody will ever know what really happened, maybe he was having withdrawals and started freaking out and one of the cops on duty was in a bad mood and decided to take it out on this junkie freaking out over there. Who knows, the real point is, is that a mother has to bury her child. Thats not the way life is supposed to happen.

I know she's hurting wondering where she went wrong, what did she do to make him grow up like that? Why did she always wish he would just leave her alone. I know my grandfather who helped raise him as a little boy is hurting too. He's already had to bury a child of his own, and now a grandchild? How much more can an 86 year old man take? In his mind he wasn't strict enough with him, he failed in his upbringing too. And then there's my mom, a soul of a saint, blaming herself because when we moved out of state when he was 14 years old, thats when things started going downhill. Why didn't she just take him in when he begged her too?

I suppose guilt is a normal part of any greiving proceess. And I suppose greiving for a loved one over their loss is normal too. I just wish I could take away all of their pain. It wasn't their fault.

Death also makes you question your Christian beleifs. I grew up Catholic and was taught that there is a Heaven and Hell. I know according to the Bible and the 10 commandments my cousin had committed enough sins that he wouldn't go to Heaven. But something inside me needs to question that theory. Wouldn't our deceased grandmother who loved him more than anything else in the world be there to welcome him into God's world? I couldn't see her not being there.

Death and greiving are definitely a hard thing to go through. I know things will eventually calm down and go back to "normal," but at the current time it just feels so overwhelming, like there is nothing you can do to ease the pain.

I do know this though. If there was one positive thing he did in this world, it was make an impact on me and my sister at a very young age. At my grandmothers funeral almost 18 years ago, my sister and I went for a walk with our cousin. He was a mere 22 years old then, and the effects of the heroine, cocaine etc were clearly plastered accross his skin. The red sores, the completely grey hair, rotting teeth. This once beautiful little boy who we used to play in the backyard swimming pool with and go on family camping trips and trips to the zoo with us, was now totally overtaken by the horrible effects of addiction. We went on a walk that day and he told us, if there is ONE thing I can tell you that would make an impact on your life, it would be to NEVER do drugs. They will ruin your life. I was only 11 years old, and looking at him like that and then hearing him say that was more than enough to make me NEVER touch a drug. And even if that was the only good thing he ever did (which I know it wasn't), I would say that was good enough.

I know he will rest in peace. And I just hope for his mothers sake, and the rest of the family, that they can all find peace in their hearts. Especially my Aunt, maybe she will eventually be able to feel what its like to be happy and free.

What Am I?

Lately its come to my attention that no matter how hard you try, you just can't make somebody love you.
Ok, so its not that serious, but I'm learning that everything you do as a mother is done in vain. Lately, all Kara says to me is "da-da?" "da-da bye bye?" "da-da night night?" Pretty much yelling out to me "Where's my daddy!??" And its not like she doesn't see him every night when he gets home! But even spending all afternoon with me seems to drive her nutso! And God forbid he go out for a night! Like last night, daddy went ice fishing, and from the minute he left to the hour she fell asleep thats all she asked for. Even as I nursed her teething cries for 2 hours straight after putting her to bed, she kept asking for da-da. Umm... HELLO... am I not the one who feeds you wholesome meals, and changes your dirty diapers and clothes you and spoils you with toys?! But like I said, its all in vain! I suppose she's just getting me ready for the even harder stuff to come in the coming years like "mom go to hell!!" in those angry teenage fits of rage.
However, who am I kidding? I did the same thing as a child. My mother was the constant force in our lives, practically doing everything in the house as we grew up, but yet who did we constantly vie for attention from? Dad. I suppose its a normal thing, especially for little girls and their dads.
But thats ok, she can throw sippy cups at me and stab me in the heart with her plastic fork and I'll still love her, through and through!