Birthday Happenings...

As you all know, Kara's birthday was about 2 weeks ago, and we celebrated the big day with a party on Labor Day weekend! Nana and Papa traveled in for the occasion, along with 30 or so other guests. We rented a bounce house from the local True Value and fun was had by all!
The next day however, I was in an exhaustion coma, you know how you get so worked up for a big event trying to make sure everything is just so and that nothing goes wrong... well yeah, then the next day you are worthless because you are literally BURNT out!! So I wasted a whole Sunday away just snoozing, but that's ok because it was a 3 day weekend and the next day we went to Adventure Land.
That was probably the best day of the weekend, my parents along with Curt and I took Kara for her very first amusement park experience. I can not beleive the girl lasted 5 hours walking around going on rides, eating all kinds of junk food and watching a circus. We were sure she'd conk out on the ride home, but nope, she lasted ALL day and ALL night! My kinda girl!
Then today I attempted to take Kara all by myself to get her 2 year pictures done. I was hesitant to begin with because I literally have not had an easy experience with her at a photographer since she was 6 months old. Well, my hesitation was well deserved, it was a complete NIGHTMARE! She had been telling me all day that she didn't want her pictures done and I told her it would be fun and even tried to convince her that she would get a little surprise if she smiled pretty. Not even 5 seconds after walking into the studio she was in an all out screaming fest. I asked her if she wanted to go to time out and she replied "Ok, YES!" All of the "doggy falling off the head and laughing hysterical" by the photographer couldn't help. I left defeated. I was immaturely angry at my 2 year old for not cooperating and told her she wasn't getting her surprise and that she was going home and going to bed, she replied "Ok, YES!" Argh!!!!
Luckily, the 20 minute ride home, along with a frantic call to my mother helped calm my nerves and when we got home Kara and I had our own photo session in the backyard. Kara was a perfect subject in the comforts of her own backyard, posed in 50 different ways that I suggested and tried smiling perfectly, if only I had a professional camera I think the shots would have been better than any pictures I could have gotten from a photography studio.
Here is some of our work:

2 Years Ago Today...

Two years ago today my world changed forever. My darling baby girl came into this world and little did I know how immensely she would rule my heart. As I celebrate her day today, I am also celebrating the gift of being a mother. Little did I know how much I would look forward to seeing her smiling face and bright blue eyes every morning. Or how just holding her and breathing in her smell would instantly take all my stresses away, it still does, and I'm sure it always will.
Its amazing how fast time really does fly once a child enters your life. How I've watched my little baby turn into a booming toddler. From the baby who could barely lift her head to the 2 year old who can run circles around her father and I. I am so proud to be her mother and today, on her Birthday I would like to highlight for her some of the reasons why:

She is the most loving and easy going kid I've ever seen. She never hits, yells or fights with any other child, (which is pretty common for her age group).... but she just takes it all in stride.

Her sweet little voice just lights up my life, the way she'll try to sing songs that she loves and on the words that she knows she'll sing those really loud, otherwise sort of hum along the rest of the song.

The way she knows how to make her father and I laugh by squinting her eyes shut and giving us an all teeth and gums smile that seems to take up her entire face.....priceless.

Listening to her talk to her babies and stuffed animals when she is in her crib, she has such strong motherly instincts already, and how when I'll go in to tuck her in before I go to bed , she will have all of her babies covered with her blankets but no blankets on herself.... once again, such a giving child.

The way she really does listen, she'll sit and observe and take it all in and then days later tell you a story about something she heard you talking about days ago.

Kara truly is such a beautiful child, she gets comments from strangers all the time on her beauty, but the thing they don't even know, is that she is twice as beautiful inside. She is my angel from above sent down for me to love.

Happy Birthday Sweet Heart!! We love you more than you know.

Roasting "Pillows"

Yes, that is what we did tonight. We roasted marshmallows, or as Kara calls them, "pillows." The weather here in Iowa has been nothing short of "fall-like" the last couple of weeks. Forecast for this weekend? Sunny skies, highs around 70, 50's at night. Perfect smores' roasting weather!
So, we got a little flame going and constructed Kara's very first smore. She loved it to say the least, and also enjoyed helping daddy roast the "pillows."



Even Molly got in on the smores' goodness,-- sans chocolate.
And although I'll be sad to say goodbye to Summer, the Fall is definitely second on my list!

Summer Vacation 09'

Last night Kara and I returned home from our week long visit to my family out in North Carolina. I have not been out to the Carolina's during the summer in several years now, but I thought it was due time for a beach visit. We had a wonderful time to say the least.... but I didn't expect any different. I was a little nervous traveling by myself with Kara, but daddy had to stay behind due to lack of vacation time on his part. So we took the long trek up to Minnesota and got a straight through flight to Raleigh. The flights went better than expected thanks to a DVD player and a particular whiny annoying cartoon named "Caillou" (Karas FAVORITE).
The week of course, went by extremely fast. There was shopping at the Carolina Outlets (always a hit), a 2 day trip to Carolina Beach (beautiful), a trip to the aquarium, an outdoor concert (the best) to see ColdPlay, and of course, lots of pool time at Nana and Papa's neighborhood pool.
I have WAY too many pictures to post on here, but one particular funny video that will keep me laughing for years to come just has to be shared.
Unfortunatley my memory card reached its capacity right at the best point of the video. What entails is a caption of Kara collecting seashells on the beach while her Nana and Auntie were jumping waves in the ocean. Kara was very nervous the whole time they were out there continuously calling for her Nana to come back in. But.... just as my camera died on me, my mom was taken under by a wave and Kara witnessed the fall.... here is her reaction ...


I SO wish I would have gotten the whole scream along with a shot of my mom down in the water.... but I guess we'll just have to store that scene in our memories!
Needless to say, we had the time of our lives.

3 Things I Love About Summer....

Summer time brings lots of great things, and here are some of my favorites!

1. Fresh Fruit!

I love the bright colors, the juicy pop in your mouth, and the delicious ripe smell of fresh berries.

2. City wide carnivals and fairs, with lots of parades and never ending candy!



3. And my favorite of all time.... Swimming!!!

Speaking of swimming, Kara started taking her first swimming lesson last week. One of our neighbors was nice enough to let us borrow their pool for a private swimming lesson for Kara for 2 weeks. The first day she did great, blowing bubbles (or shall I say, drinking the water), kicking and splashing. The next several days were not as successful, she developed a sudden fear of getting in the water after her first lesson.... but now today I got a wonderful report that she spent an hour in the pool just kicking and splashing and jumping in!! Look at that natural form!

I LOVE Summer!

Funny Things....

My grandfathers birthday is on the 4th of July. Every year I send him chocolate covered strawberries for his birthday, usually decorated in Red, White, and Blue. He is a widowed man who lives in the Poconos of Pennsylvania and has a dear friend Tony who lives next door who's wife also passed away.
Anyways, when he called me tonight to thank me for the strawberries we had a very interesting conversation, it went something like this:

Me: So are you and Tony going to have dinner together tonight? (something they do regularly)
Poppy: Oh no, I had dinner at my place and he ate at his. But we are getting together for dessert, kind of like a date. But we're not gay..... the ladies will be coming over later.

Me: laughing uncontrollably...

The mans got wit and humor. And he never ceases to amaze me with the things that come out of his mouth!

Happy Happy Birthday Poppy!!!!!

Tribute to Dads

Sunday is Fathers Day, and I've been thinking about my own father a lot the last couple of days. My parents were just here visiting a week ago, and once again, I had some of the best times with them. My husband was gone on a "guys trip" for the week so my parents came out to help with Kara. I was completely smitten the whole week watching my dad interact with my daughter. It was hard for my mother or I to even get near her because my dad (Kara's Papa) was always by her side. He had to be the one to hold her hand anytime we went somewhere, sit next to her in the car, hold her, or push her stroller, and he NEVER missed an episode of Sesame Street or Cailou with her either! Of course my mom and I took advantage of this by leaving Kara in his care while we would go and have our girl time! My dad would take her for walks every morning, trips to the park, and of course several visits to the toy stores.
I've been thinking about the special things he did with me as a child too. Miniature golfing, outings to the lakes or the water parks, weekly trips to the toy store and our favorite ice cream shops. Dads are special that way, they always get to do the fun things!
And as I think back to those special moments, they make me smile, but nothing makes me melt more inside than watching my dad with my daughter. From the first moment he held her in his arms at just 5 minutes old, to the times of running after her as a toddler, nothing in the world can compare to it.
So on this special weekend that we honor our fathers, I will be smiling and thinking of warm fuzzy memories in my head as I think of my dad, both as my father, and my daughters grandfather.
Oh, and I can't forget, Kara's daddy too... because watching him read and cuddle with her ranks pretty high up there too!
Much love to all the dads in our lives!!!

Verbiage

Kara's been saying some really cute things lately, which have me laughing for days later...

We took her to a Japanese steak house the other night and when the chef lit the fire on the stove she looked at me and said "WOAH!!!" (Much better than the crying response we thought we were going to get!)

As I walked into the house yesterday after doing some gardening Kara ran up to me and exclaimed "MOMMA!!! I go poo poo's!" And yes, her Nana and father were inside w/her, but I guess she knows who changes her diapers!

And my favorite of all time, when she see's a frog whether it be in a book, on t.v. or a stuffed animal she yells "FROG!" except it comes out as another 4 letter word beginning with "F." :)

Gotta love toddler hood vocabulary!

My Little Helper....

Lately Kara has become a real copy cat. Or shall I say, she imitates everything her mommy does. I love watching her walk around with her baby dolls putting them in their high chairs, feeding them "nummies" and then asking them "all done?" just like I ask her. She'll then wrap them up in blankets and read them books and say "night night." Then she'll put her purse on and say "bye bye" (not really sure where she gets that from?? does she think I go out on the town every night when she goes to bed?)
My favorite is when she puts the dolls on her potty and tells them to go potty. Not only has she become a little mommy, but she wants to help do everything around the house, which sounds nice in theory.... but usually ends up like this.....

Kara's interpretation of folding laundry.....

Sunny Days

Yesterday was Sesame Street Live here in Des Moines. We took Kara to see her first "live performance" ever.
She did great and loved every second of it. If you remember, a couple months back we took her to her first movie , sort of as a practice for the "big day." And lets just say, she did much better yesterday, didn't make a peep the whole time. She was definitely "star struck!"
It was just another one of the moments where I looked at her and wondered where has the time gone? This is my little baby, growing up on me, becoming her own little free spirit. The baby I used to swaddle in my arms, who now can just jump into my arms when she feels the need to be hugged. I seriously don't know how I could love anyone or anything the way I love her.

Mothers Day Art

This is Kara's masterpiece that she created for her Nana for Mothers Day. I bought the plate and mug at Bed Bath and Beyond and "helped" her decorate some of it, then I gave her the markers and let her go to town. She had a blast scribbling all over them and didn't want to stop! This is the art that only a mother and grandmother could love!

Happy Mothers Day to all of you wonderful Mommies out there!

The Man's got Skillz....

The artwork at the top was created by my very talented, very professional, and oh so serious husband. He is going to kill me for spilling the beans, but I have to give him props when props are due! When I told him about my blogs big debut in the Des Moines Juice edition he told me I had to up my ante a little on my somewhat boring background. So it was his idea to bring a "kid oriented" drawing into the blog. Yes, he drew that all by himself. The other night after we put Kara to bed we got out the Crayola's and started playing. We were up to the wee hours drawing, taking pics of the drawings and cropping and pasting. I can only wonder what our nanny thought the next day with our artwork spread all over the living room floor! Ha!
As Curt informed me, this isn't his expertise, but I just thought it was so cute to see this serious business man on the floor drawing with crayons all for the love of his wife and her "not so serious" life!
Love you babe!

Breaking The Habit

Of Thumbsucking.... My poor little girl, she takes after her mother in so many ways, one of them being the self soothing dependency she learned as a 2 week old infant. After waking up night after night in the first week we brought her home looking for her paci/binky or whatever you choose to call it, Kara learned a much easier way to soothe herself, her left thumb! Then, other than the occasional midnight feeding, we were never woken up in the middle of the night again to find her sucking device for her. Kara has carried this habit with her through the last 20 months of her life. Along the way she has grown very attached to a lovey called "Mr Bunny" whom she strictly associates with her left thumb. The good thing about this though was that she only seemed to need these 2 companions when falling asleep. That is why to my surprise a couple months ago when she developed a blister on her thumb and we took her to the doctor to have it drained and they informed us it was a staph infection I was completely astonished. Its not like she was one of those kids who went around sucking her thumb all day long, it was only at night and nap time! Luckily the 10 day course of antibiotic killed the infection and we forgot about it from that point forward. I should say that during that 10 days we were told to wrap her thumb up with gauze to prevent her from sucking it. HA! Yeah, after the first day of that the child figured out how to unwrap all of the medical tape and gauze and find her thumb. We then got mean and put a mitten on her hand and wrapped medical tape around that all the way up her arm. She did not like it, but after the 10 days, she went right back to the thumb.
Well, just this past week we had to get meaner. Kara developed another infection, and this time, her doctor told me it was time to break the habit. (Yeah ok doc, got any good suggestions?) Well she didn't, but I found one on-line. It is called "The Thumbguard."



We decided to go with this, because honestly the thought of wrapping our childs hand in a wool mitten with rolls of medical tape just doesn't sound so good, especially when the warm days of spring are around the corner! So, I ordered "the device." The first 24 hours was pure hell! It took my once easy to put down child, over an hour to fall asleep, and then I heard her wake up several times in the night wimpering. Then, to top it all off, she was up at the crack of dawn, wailing, and would not be coaxed back to sleep! My little baby who once used to lie happily in her crib talking to her lovey and sucking her thumb until we came in to get her just wasn't having it any other way! Nap times are harder now too, I have to go in several times to lay her back down before she falls asleep, and while she used to wake up and sometimes sit and play, thats it, when she's up she's up now! But I will take all of this over the infections she seems to attract so easily.

And I'm hoping in the long run she'll thank me. Not like her mother who at the age of 15 was still sucking her thumb at night! It took my younger sister getting braces and me seeing how pretty her new smile was for me to coerce myself into quitting the habit, and let me tell you, it was NOT easy! But I am now the proud owner of a straight smile thankyouverymuch!

Thumbs Up Baby!

Giving it a try!

So I got suckered into this myself now too. I put up the ad sense bar just for fun. I figured, what the heck? I'll try it! My hubby has this program he wrote wootSnoop and anytime somebody clicks on the ad's on his site it gives him a little bit of money. Every now and then I'll see a check come in the mail to him from Google. Not sure how much it is for, probably not much. But I figured, hey! I can do this too! Nothing wrong with getting some cash for free right? We'll see....

Sand Sand Everywhere!!!

Its spring time in the Moxley household! As soon as the 80 degree weather comes I am ready for summer! Last week I found a great deal on Craigslist for a Step 2 sandbox, got it for $20! At first my husband thought it was just another frivolous purchase of mine, but I think I may have persuaded him differently when I showed him how much they sell for at Toys R Us! It was in great condition and even came with some toys! I set it up on the deck and now all I need is to get a pool out there and I will have my own little private beach! Oh wait.... was this supposed to be for my daughter? Well, thats who I said it was for atleast, but secretly, I wanted it just so I could dig my feet into the nice cool, crystal white sand! Curt jokingly stated that I'll probably lay a beach towel in it and lay out in it, but honestly I thought that was a pretty good idea! You see, I am an East coast girl at heart, I grew up on beaches practically my whole childhood. Newport, Narragansett, Duxberry, Wilmington just to name a few. You can take the girl away from the beaches, but you can't take the beaches away from the girl!! Sorry babe!
Ok, so back to the subject, Kara on the other hand, was not so fond of the sand. She will not allow me to take her shoes off in the sandbox, and will only sit on the edge or the outside. Slowly but surely though, I think she'll warm up to it. I will see to it any way! Especially in time for a week long trip out to the beaches of NC this August!!!

On another spring time note, last night was Ladies Night at the local gardening store here in town. I went along with some of the fellow moms from the YUM's group and had a blast! It was so relaxing getting to walk around with out a screaming toddler just looking at all the different kinds of flowers and plants. I picked some out and with the help of one of the very lovely workers there planted them and was assured they were "hardy" flowers! Hopefully I can keep them alive until Memorial Day atleast! Here's a little look at my creation:

Its Potty Time!

Thats right, I bought it this weekend, a training potty! A lot of Kara's little friends have started the process of potty training, so I figured it was time for me to get on it. Kara was very excited when she saw the potty and couldn't wait for me to open it, but then when I attempted to remove her pants to sit on it, she freaked out! She'll sit on it with her clothes on momentarily, but her attention span is about the size of her pinky finger right now.
I know this is going to be WAY more traumatic for me than it is for her. But like they say, no kid ends up going to prom, or walking down graduation aisle with a diaper on, so I just need to chill!!!
The key word here is patience... something I was forced to learn when I had a child, but now that is going to be maximized to the 10th degree!
Wish me luck fellow mummys!

Monsters VS. Aliens

Kara had her first movie theater experience yesterday! We had been talking about doing this with her for a while, since Curt and I are such avid movie goers, we could not wait until our daughter was old enough to attend with us! So, yesterday being the snowy, cold dreary day it was in the middle of April, we decided it was a perfect day to go!
I have to give her props, the kid did good, sitting there for 2 hours, and if they didn't have 30 minutes of previews in the beginning, I think she would have made it through the whole movie. We probably could have gotten through the whole movie, but me being the self-conscious person I am didn't want to "disturb" the other youngsters in the theater.
And I do have to admit, I spent most of the movie admiring her profile staring up at the huge screen chowing down on popcorn. So cute, just a miniature version of her father and I.
So overall, I'd say it was a movie success! It also made me feel a lot more confident about the $100 tickets we just purchased for the Sesame Street Live show next month. I'm positive she'll sit through that, because she is in LOVE w/Sesame Street! Watch out Elmo, here we come!!!!

Now, I wonder if we could take her to "Adventureland" next weekend? (the movie that is). Ha.... I think we'll hold off on that one.

"It's So Hard To Say Goodbye...."

..... To your momma! My mom visited from North Carolina this past weekend for my birthday. She spent 4 days with us and they were 4 of the best days I've had in a long time! She and I went to Prairie Meadows to play her favorite penny slots, we didn't win, but didn't lose much either. I just love watching how excited she gets over those loud clinking machines. We watched a couple movies, ate a TON and of course did plenty of shopping. I could never get sick of spending time with my mom. She's the type of mom who was always more like a friend than "one of those moms." She is definitely one of my most favorite people.

So of course Kara got her fill of grandma while she was here. And now that Kara is beginning to speak more words I thought it was proper to give my mom her own "name" to Kara, so we decided on "Nana." Figuring that might be easy enough for Kara to catch on to. I have a problem with calling both sets of grandmothers the same name, especially when one of them in particular reigns on a much higher level of true "grandmother-hood." Kara was nothing short of spoiled over the weekend. She scored some new books, new clothes and plenty of yummy treats, one in particular being our families special waffle recipes.... mmmmmmm good!

Needless to say, it was a painful goodbye today. Kara doesn't quite understand the importance of it all yet. But it just rips my heart out to know that she will not get to experience that special bond with a grandparent in her everyday life. Harder because there are grandparents that live one town over and they barely bother to see her. (But thats a whole other post!)
Rather, these special times will be few and far between. But at least she will experience it I suppose.

Anyway, here is a picture of Kara and Nana saying goodbye to each other, and another of the 3 of us. (Or at least most of us!)

Valentines Tradition

This post may be a little late, but better late than never right? I've decided to make it a yearly tradition now to take a picture of Kara with candy every year at Valentines time. Her first Valentines day I took a picture of her in her high chair with a bag of (unopened) Hershey's Kisses. (She was only 5 months at the time!). This year, I decided to be a little more brave and give her a big heart shaped sucker. She absolutely LOVED it! I am going to take pictures to document each year. I can not believe how much she changed in just a year! It is bittersweet. I love watching her grow, but when I look back at what she was like just a year ago it makes me want to just hold that little baby in my arms again!!! aahhhhhhhhh......... motherhood!

The Nightmare of the Mall Play Center

Ok, so you are probably thinking that I am going to complain about the big kids that are too old to be in the play centers at the malls, trampling over the little kids innocently playing.... right?
But no, I am going to tell you about a very scary incident that shows what happens to those kids whose parents are NOT watching them. Hopefully anyone who witnessed this will keep a better eye on THEIR children next time they are at one of these places.

So, its Friday night and my cousin Anne and I decide to take the little ones to the mall for some supper and a little play time. We get to the play center and its ca-ray-zee as usual. But what else is new right? So we decide to let them play for a little bit anyway. I watched as Kara was pushed out of the way several times trying to get down the slide. I observed as these two bigger girls continued to run in front of her and rough house around. I watched one of their moms text away on her cell phone and the other mother was outside of the play center watching for a little bit then doing who knows what. The father of one of the girls sat there and watched his younger child. After a couple minutes I decided I'd let Kara play with the "sicky germs" long enough. I picked her up and headed over to Anne. Anne then tells me about this creepy guy in a leather coat and no teeth who had been sitting in the play area just watching the kids. She wondered which kid was his and then got totally freaked out when he stood up and just walked away, no child in tow. At that moment we looked at each other and decided it was time to leave. Not even 2 minutes later as we are strapping the wee ones in their strollers we hear a mothers desperate cry out to her daughter. "Katelyn? Katelyn!!!??" And then the other mother is calling out for her daughter too. They were gone. The father is explaining what his daughter was wearing to one of the mall employees. And in a matter of seconds people are gathered around searching for these 2 girls. Anne and I immediately looked for the creepy guy. We spotted him in the record store across the hall, by himself, lucky for him. Where did these kids go?

Of course, like any good mother would do for another mom we began walking around helping them find their children. One mom kept calling her daughters name out, fighting back the tears, she looked like she was about to collapse to the floor in disbeleif. The other mom clutched her baby in the middle of the mall, in tears, holding her face as if she might throw up all over the place. The father paced the mall. At that time I had this awful pit in my stomach, goosebumps up and down my body and I began to shake. I could not imagine the fear these mothers must be feeling.

Anne and I headed down to the center of the mall where we spotted the father with his daughter, he found her, but where was the othe girl? We followed him and asked where he found her, she was in the shoe store. Sure enough the other girl was there too. I raced back to the other end to let her mom know, she ran faster than a marathon runner to reunite with her daughter as other curious mall goers stared in confusion. And that was that, they found their children. This time.

It amazes me how quickly they disappeared like that. And gives me extremely creepy and eery feelings to think how they could have been taken by some freaky guy scoping out the kids innocently playing. This world is a scary place, and you just can't afford to take your eye off of your children for one second, not even one second. Anne made herself feel better about being an overprotective and "hovering mother" as her husband calls her! I think I will become even more of one now!

I did walk past both of the moms on my way out of the mall, both looked at me and waved with a look of pure gratitude for helping them, one even whispered "thank you." I felt their horror, their pain, I couldn't imagine what that must feel like to wonder if you were ever going to see your child again. It was like out of a freaky movie or something. But thank God it had a happy ending. And maybe if everyone with a child could experience something like this, there wouldn't be any more of those "big kids with no parents watching them" left alone in the mall play centers.

Taking Care of Business...

Well, I finally did it. I went to the eye doctor after several years of procrastinating. I used to feel so happy to have 20/20 vision when I was younger, and then as I've gotten older my eyesight has slowly begun to get a little blurry. At first I blamed it on pregnancy, but then when it didn't get any better I knew I had to do something about it.
You see, I had 2 New Years resolutions this year. One was to get the eyes taken care of, and the other was to get up my nerve and go to a chiropractor for this chronic pinching pain I've had in my upper shoulder for years. These were just little things that I put off and put off, but I've always told my mother she needed to take better care of herself, so I figured I better hold true to my words and do the same for myself as a mom. I knew I didn't have the drive to stick with a resolution such as "eating better" or "working out 5 days a week", so I picked these 2 things that I could get done and then just be done with. (Or so I thought!) ;)
So, I got over my fear of being "cracked" and got on the table and put my back into place. It felt wonderful and I definitely plan to continue this process as long as it takes to get me all lined up. And maybe this one resolution will take more than just one try, but that's ok.
Then, when I went to the eye care center and put on my new "eyes" for the first time I could hardly believe it! Was this what it was supposed to look like to be able to see edges in objects, and read the words on a glass door, and even better, be able to read the exit signs on the highway?! Yes, yes it was, and it was nice.

Now maybe my "squinting lines" will go away.... Hey, a girl can wish right? :)

Death and Grieving

I knew it was bad when her usually low key voice was leaving a frantic message on my phone to pick up if I was there, it was important. Your cousin Peter is dead. What?! I know I shouldn't have been that surprised, he has been addicted to hard core drugs for many years now and really has nothing to do with the family. But it is still a shock the moment you hear that a loved one has passed away. I'm hurting badly inside, not because I was close to him and I've lost an important person in my life, but more so I'm hurting and grieving for the people who are mourning his loss. His mother (my aunt), has lost her only child. I'm sure to many other people, he was just some junkie on the streets, who cares, he deserved it right? I'm guilty of that mindset myself sometimes towards people who do bad things that I have no attachment or connection to, you kind of wish something bad would happen to them, as a "pay back" for what they've done wrong. But this experience may very well change my mindset on that forever.

He was helping his ex-girlfriends parents by moving their furniture on a U-haul to Tennessee. They gave him $9,000 to pay for the truck, gas, and all other expenses. When the cops found him on the side of the road with the u-haul in the ditch they took him to jail because he was intoxicated. They also found drug paraphernalia in the truck and assumed all the money was due to some drug handling he just did. He was found dead in his jail cell several days later. The case is under investigation pending autopsy results. They told his mother he "spazzed out and died." Maybe nobody will ever know what really happened, maybe he was having withdrawals and started freaking out and one of the cops on duty was in a bad mood and decided to take it out on this junkie freaking out over there. Who knows, the real point is, is that a mother has to bury her child. Thats not the way life is supposed to happen.

I know she's hurting wondering where she went wrong, what did she do to make him grow up like that? Why did she always wish he would just leave her alone. I know my grandfather who helped raise him as a little boy is hurting too. He's already had to bury a child of his own, and now a grandchild? How much more can an 86 year old man take? In his mind he wasn't strict enough with him, he failed in his upbringing too. And then there's my mom, a soul of a saint, blaming herself because when we moved out of state when he was 14 years old, thats when things started going downhill. Why didn't she just take him in when he begged her too?

I suppose guilt is a normal part of any greiving proceess. And I suppose greiving for a loved one over their loss is normal too. I just wish I could take away all of their pain. It wasn't their fault.

Death also makes you question your Christian beleifs. I grew up Catholic and was taught that there is a Heaven and Hell. I know according to the Bible and the 10 commandments my cousin had committed enough sins that he wouldn't go to Heaven. But something inside me needs to question that theory. Wouldn't our deceased grandmother who loved him more than anything else in the world be there to welcome him into God's world? I couldn't see her not being there.

Death and greiving are definitely a hard thing to go through. I know things will eventually calm down and go back to "normal," but at the current time it just feels so overwhelming, like there is nothing you can do to ease the pain.

I do know this though. If there was one positive thing he did in this world, it was make an impact on me and my sister at a very young age. At my grandmothers funeral almost 18 years ago, my sister and I went for a walk with our cousin. He was a mere 22 years old then, and the effects of the heroine, cocaine etc were clearly plastered accross his skin. The red sores, the completely grey hair, rotting teeth. This once beautiful little boy who we used to play in the backyard swimming pool with and go on family camping trips and trips to the zoo with us, was now totally overtaken by the horrible effects of addiction. We went on a walk that day and he told us, if there is ONE thing I can tell you that would make an impact on your life, it would be to NEVER do drugs. They will ruin your life. I was only 11 years old, and looking at him like that and then hearing him say that was more than enough to make me NEVER touch a drug. And even if that was the only good thing he ever did (which I know it wasn't), I would say that was good enough.

I know he will rest in peace. And I just hope for his mothers sake, and the rest of the family, that they can all find peace in their hearts. Especially my Aunt, maybe she will eventually be able to feel what its like to be happy and free.

What Am I?

Lately its come to my attention that no matter how hard you try, you just can't make somebody love you.
Ok, so its not that serious, but I'm learning that everything you do as a mother is done in vain. Lately, all Kara says to me is "da-da?" "da-da bye bye?" "da-da night night?" Pretty much yelling out to me "Where's my daddy!??" And its not like she doesn't see him every night when he gets home! But even spending all afternoon with me seems to drive her nutso! And God forbid he go out for a night! Like last night, daddy went ice fishing, and from the minute he left to the hour she fell asleep thats all she asked for. Even as I nursed her teething cries for 2 hours straight after putting her to bed, she kept asking for da-da. Umm... HELLO... am I not the one who feeds you wholesome meals, and changes your dirty diapers and clothes you and spoils you with toys?! But like I said, its all in vain! I suppose she's just getting me ready for the even harder stuff to come in the coming years like "mom go to hell!!" in those angry teenage fits of rage.
However, who am I kidding? I did the same thing as a child. My mother was the constant force in our lives, practically doing everything in the house as we grew up, but yet who did we constantly vie for attention from? Dad. I suppose its a normal thing, especially for little girls and their dads.
But thats ok, she can throw sippy cups at me and stab me in the heart with her plastic fork and I'll still love her, through and through!